Umm I'm too high to move.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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