is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
