yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
