Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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