But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
