He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's rum buckets o'clock
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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