you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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