Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
