Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
