Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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