these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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