I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He passed out mid-signature
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
