He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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