There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
