meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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