sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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