i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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