when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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