I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We need a shit load of segways right now
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
