I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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