Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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