Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
