my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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