The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
