I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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