this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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