my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
