Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
