I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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