the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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