remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
