Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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