why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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