I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
