Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
