drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
