I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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