I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
