I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
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