I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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