I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry about my life...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
