I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
