she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
