its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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