she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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