I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
