So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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