When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
