if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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