I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
